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Tuesday, January 28, 2014

The Three Second Rule!

You know the 3 second rule.....if you drop your cookie on the floor, you can pick it up and eat it if you get it done in three seconds. One...Two...Three! Goes pretty fast huh?
On sunday, I ran in the Biggest Loser Half Marathon and 5K. I was running this 5K as a tune up for a 5 mile super bowl sunday race that I really wanted to perform well in. I arrived an hour before my race was to start, and was immediately stunned by how many folks were running these two races. When I got the results on monday, there were more than 1200 participants in the 5K, and a thousand in the half. The other thing that was amazing was how freakin' fat half of these people were. I picked up my race number, and for the first time, I had a bib that had a chip attached to the back of it, as apposed to putting it on your shoe. So even Ernie couldn't screw this up!
The half started at 9, and our race was slated for 9:30. The race was set up like boston, where there were roped of paddocks of around 200 people, who would be released in around 3 minute increments. The half began, as I jogged around warming up for the 5K. At 9:20, I jumped into the 2nd paddock. Now the paddocks were established for expected finishing pace. Paddock two was for folks who could run the race between 8 and 9 minutes per mile. I had planned on running around an 8:40 pace, with a goal of just a strong but not all out race time of around 27 minutes. While we were preparing for the cannon to release the first paddock, one of the ten big losers was on the mike making all kinds of small talk. He asked how many of the folks in the race were running their first race. About two thirds of the folks in the first two paddocks raised their hands. I knew immediately that I was fucked this race was not going to go smoothly. The cannon released the first paddock. As we moved forward, I thought, well, since my time wont start until I get thru the arch, stay in the back and walk to the arch and start running when I go thru. The gun went off for our paddock, and I walked for about a minute to hit the arch, and then started running. All of a sudden, half of these stupid assholes these fellow competitors started walking. They pretty much filled both lanes of the road. I saw a gap to the right outside next to the sidewalk that was filled with cheering asshole relatives family members, so I took off to try and escape this pack of walkers. Just as I was passing this woman, her 9 or 10 year old daughter decided to go from walking in front of her to walking on her right. Next thing I know, I am going right over the top of her. I sort of landed on her (that thankfully broke MY fall), rolled off, jumped up crawled up, and restarted. As I ran for the next few minutes, I did that inventory of my body to see what was hurt, and the only thing that hurt was my right knee that was hurting all week before.
The race reminded me a lot of those old revco 10K's, where you just spend all your energy weaving in and out of folks who had no business being in those first two paddocks. The race was somewhat rolling hills, and a mixture of dirt, gravel, and asphalt. The finish was a long half mile or so where you could see the arch in your future, even though it never seemed to get any closer for a while. I finished the race at an 8:45 pace, but with a much greater toll on my body than I had hoped.
After the race was over, I ate a banana and had a bottle of water, and went over to the Las Cruces running club table to talk to the president about my legacy cross country venue at NMSU. He was on board, and said the club would put on two fall events if I could get this built. He also agreed to come with me the next time I meet with the president. An hour later, they had posted the results, and with all these fat assholes other fellow competitors trying to see their finish times, I saw that I was third in the 60-64 age group out of ten fellow geezers. I found out yesterday when I went to the site to look for pictures, that I was third to a guy from Los Lunas bye 3 seconds......arrrrggghhhh! I know in the universe of meaningful stuff, this is meaningless, but now there is some old fuck from Los Lunas that thinks he is faster than me.....
So, I had my picture taken with two finalists from the biggest loser tv show. Now, I have never seen this show, don't know how many seasons there have been, don't know who these two folks were or from what season they starred, but it stuns me that you can become famous for letting yourself become obese, and then going on tv and taking some responsibility for yourself. All these participants were clamoring to have their pictures taken with their iphones like it was george clooney. I put this picture on facebook and explained that I wasn't covering an erection, but holding my award ribbon and gift card below my genitals, because they told me that the only way to find yourself in the 25 thousand digital pictures taken, was bye your number. So, if I ever run this race again, I will get in the last paddock with the folks who are supposed to be walkers, but line up at the very front of them and then just get to take off bye myself.....

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